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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22566928">maybe this is it</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellowleader/pseuds/yellowleader'>yellowleader</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Eddsworld - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Failed Relationships, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 08:42:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,508</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22566928</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellowleader/pseuds/yellowleader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Matt's pretty unlucky when it comes to love.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Edd/Matt (Eddsworld), Matt/Eduardo, Matt/Jon, Matt/Mark, Matt/Todd, Matt/Tom (Eddsworld), Matt/Tord (Eddsworld)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>60</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>maybe this is it</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Matt’s eight when he gets his first boyfriend. He’s been in a class with Mark his whole life, from preschool to now, but they don’t really talk. He’s only aware of him because Mark gets the second-best grades in class, so their teacher praises him a lot- after Matt, who’s first, of course!</p>
<p>He studies really, really hard to get good grades. None of it really comes that easily to him, but he loves being the best in class, because the teacher tells him how good he is, and he gets extra stickers, and and and- it’s exciting! So when Mark looks mad at every test, he doesn’t pay any attention to it.</p>
<p>But before school one day, Mark gives him a flower pulled out of the school garden and puts it in his hair, and tells him he thinks Matt is very pretty and they should be boyfriends. Matt instantly accepts, because why wouldn’t he? A boyfriend is something new and exciting, and it means he’ll get even more praise, right?</p>
<p>So Mark calls him pretty and Matt doesn’t study at lunch because they’re sitting together. Matt walks him home and doesn’t study because he gets lost going home and only gets back after dark. Matt doesn’t study the next few days because he’s so lost in compliments and the niceness of having a boyfriend that when he gets scolded for not doing homework, it doesn’t matter. And it doesn’t matter when he gets a B on the next quiz, either.</p>
<p>But it sure matters to Mark.</p>
<p>Mark breaks up with him as soon as he shows Matt the 100% on his quiz. “You’re really stupid,” Mark tells him. “I thought you were supposed to be top of the class, but you’re an idiot. All I had to do was distract you for a few days and you fell to second!” He looks happier than Matt’s seen him.</p>
<p>Matt’s not too heartbroken, even if he was lied to and tricked and insulted. He’s fine! But now he knows. Grades aren’t really worth it. It’s being called ‘pretty’ that really matters. So he’ll just focus on being pretty!</p>
<p>At fourteen, Jon starts following him around. Matt notices immediately, of course, and adores having a fan, though Tom, Edd, and Tord complain about it. Mostly Tom. Eventually, Tord goads him into going to confront Jon, who shrinks back as soon as Matt speaks to him, but soon sputters out an awkward confession. Matt doesn’t even put together that Jon is a good friend of Mark’s. This is totally different, anyway.</p>
<p>Jon holds his hand and takes him to the movies with his mother’s money that weekend. Right after, he insists they spend more time together, so he calls Edd’s house to apologize and say he can’t make the sleepover, even though Edd sounds upset about it. A boyfriend comes first, doesn’t he? He and Jon go to Jon’s, where he learns that he has a hobby in photography, and he thinks that Matt would be an amazing model!</p>
<p>He stays far too long, trying to find the best angles for Jon to photograph him from, and he gets yelled at by his parents for not telling them where he was. Matt’s floating on cloud 9, though, and doesn’t let it phase him. Jon gave him some of the developed photographs, which he hangs on the edges of his mirror to see every day. Why wouldn’t he treasure these precious pictures his boyfriend gave him?</p>
<p>On Monday, Edd won’t talk to anyone, and Jon breaks up with him. “Eduardo really wanted to crash Edd’s sleepover,” Jon explains awkwardly. “And he didn’t want anyone else there, so… um. It doesn’t mean I don’t like you, I just don’t… like you like you. Sorry, Matt.”</p>
<p>Matt doesn’t care, of course. It was only for a weekend, after all, so did it really mean anything? But he spends the afternoon in front of his mirror, examining his face and his photos, trying to find anything wrong, anything imperfection that would mean that Jon wouldn’t like him.</p>
<p>By the time Edd’s forgiven him (and forgiven Tom for skipping the sleepover to walk through the park with Todd, and Tord for ditching in exchange for cigarettes from Mark), he’s completely fine. It’s not much longer before the memory’s left his mind completely, and the source of the pictures he looks at every day along with it.</p>
<p>He may have ‘forgotten’, but he won’t fall for it a third time. So when he’s fifteen and Eduardo swears at him, throwing the bouquet he bought him on the ground and stomping on it while telling Matt that it was all a joke anyway and who would like a self-absorbed idiot like him anyway, Matt just gives himself a pat on the back for knowing better. Twice bitten, third time shy, or whatever the saying is.</p>
<p>Same when Todd tries to kiss him at a party at sixteen- Todd’s so repressed it’s sad, which means there’s no way he’s genuinely trying to get anywhere with Matt. Matt just slaps a hand over Todd’s mouth to keep them from kissing and laughs drunkenly before pushing him back and walking away, leaving him on Tord’s bed. Todd doesn’t look at him for at least a month after that, but what does he care?</p>
<p>Age eighteen, Edd asks him to prom, flowers in hand, and flowers make him sick now but he takes them and accepts, because this is different, he knows for sure. The smile on Edd’s face is so sickly sweet he can’t stand it. They go to prom, dressed so they clash just enough to itch at Matt’s preferences. Edd doesn’t ask him to dance, so they just stand off to the side. They don’t even get back to Edd’s before Edd says they should probably just stay friends, and Matt is grateful.</p>
<p>At nineteen, he and Tord try something, but it doesn’t work out. Tord asks him out brusquely, doesn’t take him on any dates, and spends more time with his weird college friends than he does with Matt. He tells him he’s annoying and not to touch his things or touch him, until eventually (far too long), Matt finally asks why they’re even dating. Tord doesn’t even have to think before answering. “You’re high ranking, so if I can get someone like you, I can get anyone.” Is it flattering? Yes. Is it what he wants in a boyfriend? Nope. So they’re over immediately. They don’t really talk for a while.</p>
<p>That’s fine, because college gives him quite a few chances at boyfriends. Every single one crashes and burns.</p>
<p>At twenty-one he drops out. He’s retaking too many classes, he’s not learning anything, and he doesn’t want a degree anyway. Instead, Matt moves in with his old best friend Edd- Edd, whose generous parents lovingly bought him a four-bedroom house. Room enough for him, Tom, and Tord.</p>
<p>Things with Tord have been nonexistent at best since their breakup, but it’s fine. They don’t need to talk. He can talk to Tom instead, who had his own disastrous romance with Tord at college. The two bond, drunk in Matt’s bedroom, complaining about their roommate who leaves Japanese porn on the kitchen table and leaves the bathroom a mess.</p>
<p>(Well, that one’s Matt, but when Tom assumes Tord it’s easier to just go along with it. He doesn’t want Tom to think he’s the jerk, after all!)</p>
<p>Matt’s doing a nearly perfect (in his opinion) impression of Tord’s accent when Tom pulls him over and kisses him. He giggles into it before kissing back, but Tom just grunts in annoyance at the sound. It becomes a habit, though they aren’t truly dating, and Matt cries when he realizes the real pattern of them only making out when he imitates Tord. Tom isn’t willing to put up with his crying.</p>
<p>Years pass and Matt doesn’t date anyone. Why would he need anyone else? He’s got a hand mirror that shows him the prettiest man in the world, and if no one else can appreciate him then he will! He’ll appreciate himself for everyone who didn’t, who used him or lied or-</p>
<p>When this friend he doesn’t remember returns, Matt’s sweet and smiles and greets him happily. Why wouldn’t he? He doesn’t know who this Torb- Todd- Tord guy is. So when Tord wraps an arm around him and holds him close, his heart pounds. It pounds harder when Tord hits him, tries to make up for it with ice cream, ditches him, and then tries to murder him and all his friends.</p>
<p>When all’s over and done with, he has his own apartment. He immediately wallpapers it with mirrors and photos of himself, surrounding himself with beautiful comfort in the image of his perfect face. He doesn’t have any more concerns. Why would he? He’s alone, yes, but… maybe that’s for the best? After all, men aren’t worth it. The only person in the world worth loving is himself.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i really meant for this to end on a happier note. whoops.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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